Top Tips

Pieces of useful advice for living on this complex planet (pilfered from the VIZ magazine):

  • Save a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam. They will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence. J B Cartland, Brighton

  • Suck the eyes from attacking zombies using a Black & Decker 'Dustbuster'. The zombies will then wander aimlessly and can be dispatched by the more usual methods at a more leisurely pace. J. T. Thropton

  • Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin into a bowl of iron filings. B Villbens Birmingham

  • X File fan:. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'. Sam Neffendorf, Weybridge

  • A Hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to guest makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble dispenser at cocktail parties. L Traintu, Clarkesville

  • Domestos is an ideal substitute for Blue Curaco, and far less pricey. It gives any cocktail a bit of 'oomph'. James Francis, East Glamorgan Hospital

  • Whilst in bed protect yourself from vampires and werewolves by hiding under the covers. Charles Holley, Newcastle

  • Make cheap but effective baby rattles by gluing a lollipop stick to an empty matchbox, then filling it with ten woodlice. Ms. G. M. Dowd, Wigan

  • Foil pick pockets by placing a freshly toasted "Pop Tart" in each pocket. Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry and receive nasty finger burns from the steaming hot jam inside. P.Turner, Liverpool

  • Confuse shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking them to wrap it. D. Treloar, Wandsworth

  • A length of plastic drainpipe with a roller skate at each end makes an ideal "car" for snakes. G. Dorson, Skipton

  • Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon. Phil Wasey Liverpool

  • Cant afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film and press them into your eyes. D. Stokes, Middlesex

  • Stop bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of water. P.J. Ruddock, London

  • Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. Mr KVL 74IY, Lincoln

  • Cyclists. Next time you're out on your bike take a tin bath and about 4 or 5 gallons of water in plastic containers. In the event of a flat tire this will help you locate any punctures you may have. Andy Hodgeson, Manchester

  • Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view. S Goldhanger, Fulchester

  • Pop a few tea bags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot cuppa anytime by just turning on the tap. Mrs M Growitt Birmingham

  • Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time. Sgt. R. J. Crowe 662 Squadron. Germany

  • Put a stop to car thieves by siphoning off all your petrol whenever you park your car, and carrying it round with you in one or two plastic buckets. D. Griffiths, Kent

  • Pass off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house. Mr P. Lilburn, Rotherham

  • Fellas. Next time you have to wrap up a present, don't, because you're shite at it. Give it to the wife and she'll do it properly with extra girlie bows and fiddly bits while you're down the pub. Daphnie Treloar, Cardiff

  • Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, because you cant and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt. D Thresher, Wapping

  • Why pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips from the freezer and try piercing together potatoes. B Reastford Iranville, Notts

  • Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner

  • Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas. N. Burke, Manchester

  • As adverts on the television tell us not to use light switches if we smell gas, I find it useful to always have a candle ready for use in such emergencies. Mrs D Bibby, Rugby

  • Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead

  • When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large, blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road. D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary

  • Avoid paying tax by going to work in a politically unstable Middle East country inhabited by religious fanatics. Ignore British Government advice to leave when a war looks imminent, then moan a few weeks later when bombs start going off and there aren't any planes home. S Goblin, Middlesex

  • Always keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get your head stuck in railings you'll be able to grease your ears and slide out. Kate Emblen, Uxbridge

  • Cyclists. Why not try stopping at red lights like everyone else, instead of riding up onto the pavement to avoid them. Stupid Bastards. M Burridge, Newcastle

  • Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard. P Raker, Chatham

  • Avoid losing contact lenses by drilling a small hole in each one and attaching them with a length of nylon fishing line. This can then be worn around the neck. B Morgan, Criccieth

  • Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on. D Duckham, Didford

  • Exterior wood stain is a fast, long-lasting and attractive alternative to sun-bed treatments.Mr T. Eebly, Warstead

  • Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again. P Loft, Gateshead

  • I regularly drive to the pub, but am never guilty of drink driving. The secret is to consume so much alcohol that by closing time you have completely forgotten ever owning a car. Mike Grey, Essex

  • Prevent crisps cutting your gums and getting caught between teeth by steeping them in a bowl of water before eating them.T.C. Jackson, York

  • Werewolf enthusiasts. get that 'wolfy' feeling every night by simply gluing a paper plate to your bedroom window.J. Bradley. Beeston, Notts

  • Mix tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto! Toffee. A. Sharp. Birmingham

  • Office workers. Avoid distractions from your important paperwork by making 'blinkers' out of two Post-It note stickers, one stuck to each temple.

  • A next door neighbours car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency. Nick Jeggo. Adbaston, Staffs.

  • Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

  • Next time you go drink driving ask a friend or relative to follow you on a moped carrying a camera. Then, if you crash, they can take the blame. Bastien Phelp. Bath

  • Play "Indiana Jones" with your pet mouse using a length of drainpipe and a cricket ball. I. K. Brunel. Bristol

  • Play 'Moth Aircraft Carriers' by floating a shoe box in the bath with a torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then turn off the room lights and watch as the moths attempt to make their dramatic and dangerous landings.

  • Car cigarette lighters make ideal mini 'High Chaparral' style branding irons. J.T. Thropton.

  • An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator. Sister S. Berwick. Blackrod Convent.

  • Terrify ants into believing they have been invaded by 'War Of The Worlds' style Martians by standing 3 pin plugs on end around their holes. J.T. Thropton.

  • Fool passers by into thinking you keep a bird of prey by walking down the street wearing a leather gauntlet, waving a piece of raw meat in your hand and constantly looking up into the sky. Simone Glover. Tottenham

Copyright John Brown Publishing/ House of Viz All rights reserved. Reproduced with permission.